Remembering

A couple days ago after we had gotten home from Mom's, "when the music fades and all is stripped away" I found myself remembering....perhaps it was the beautiful tile that Lori gave me or maybe it was the Willow Tree that Melissa so carefully picked out or it could have been the fact that this was yet another family gathering without her. Without our beautiful Karis.

As I opened my eyes that morning I had this great sense of sadness that poured over me...more overwhelming than I had in a while. These kind of days tend to come and go since she left us and they seem to get further apart. Which I'm not sure I would say is good or bad thing it's just a fact. I felt this tug at my heart like something is missing and something IS missing! She is! I just laid there and cried... even before I got out of bed I shed these tears of remembering that we are not a whole family....

Eli was soon awake and ready to nurse, praise the Lord for His goodness and His blessing of another child so soon after Karis left. As he nursed he would just look at me and smile with his big grey/blue eyes. He made me smile and again remember only this time it was a memory that didn't exist. I saw Karis nursing with her blue eyes looking at me she too smiled and the "memory" was gone. As he finished and was just talking to me there in the bed I could just imagine Karis having done these same things..cooing and smiling with such a pretty and perfect body that it was almost real. But I knew it wasn't, that Eli is my blessing God gave me not to replace our little girl but rather to heal the empty place we had between our two arms.

When Eli was finished I got out of bed and sent a text to close friends asking for prayer. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through the day without it. I then asked God to give me a good day of remembrance. There is a difference in good remembering and bad remembering. I wanted to focus not on that fact that we no longer have her but rather that yes she was here but now she is with her Saviour! I also asked Him to just hold me in his arms because I was hurting and I needed His loving arms around me! I couldn't have a good remembering day if He didn't hold me through it. It was actually kinda amazing because Not only did I ask these things but my friend Sarah had sent what she prayed and it was the exact same thing. :) Not only did Sarah pray for me but she also came and visited me for a little bit!

I decided since it was a day of remembering I would surround myself with the good memories. I looked back at all Karis' photo's and keepsakes. I touched her fingers and toes from the ink hand print and foot print we had from the hospital. I touched her hair we had saved and is now in the mother daughter locket her Great Grandma had gotten us. I looked at all the Willow Tree figurines I had received and I reread the poems, sayings and verses that gave me such comfort just one and a half short years ago. I felt her with us that day. 

God did answer my prayer....Justice and Dawson were His arms and Eli was His kiss to me. Telling me I'm here, I love you and I hear you. Our God IS an Awesome God!

The poem on the Tile....

Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy please don't cry
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.
You see I'm, a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mist your window pane
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from the gentle breeze that blows
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose
When you see my brothers playing abd your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy don't look so sad and Mommy please don't cry
I'min the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Karis Lynn