How it's supposed to be...

73 degrees and sunny with a light breeze....a perfect day. :) James is at a friends house helping them prepare to move in. They have been staying with another friend while they have been trying to get this house ready. I have their 2 year old with me in attempt to allow them a little more freedom to focus on painting rather than getting him out of the paint. :) As I dropped off James and picked up Caleb, I looked back at the four car seats I couldn't help but sigh. That's how it's supposed to be and yet it's not how it's supposed to be. Besides the fact that Caleb is a boy (and 6 months older than Karis would have been) God clearly says 3 car seats right now IS how it's supposed to be. He knew beforehand that He would take Karis home. She didn't leave here prematurely, she didn't die too young...she left exactly as in His plan. No matter how much I want to say it's not right, and I still do say that, it really is right because it's exactly as God intended. He knew all along that He was going to take her as soon as she was born, He knew we would never see her first steps or hear her first words. Sometimes i think about that and ask why? Why did you even let us have her at all if you were just going to take her back so soon...but then I remember all the wonderful times I got with her in the womb! The exited feeling I got when I found out I was pregnant! The wondering if she were another boy or our first girl! Finding out she was a girl! The little kicks and the hiccups and knowing I had a precious fragile little girl growing daily inside me. I would not have traded any of that! I would have done all that again even knowing I wouldn't get her longer than that short time.
It's funny how all that went through my head in a matter of minutes! Just in the short ride from this house to ours. 
Thank you Lord for your providence...I may not understand and I may wonder sometimes but I know it will all work out for the good.

Cleaning Out

Well the last couple days have been  Full of cleaning, organizing and just plain clearing out! Sarah came over and helped me get the boys clothes (too big or small) boxed and put in the laundry room to store. We were also able to get the random bags of give away clothes put together and actually taken to the Safe-T thrift shop where the proceeds go to battered women. James nor I could believe how much junk we had! But it felt good, really good to get rid of it all. Like a load taken off my shoulders!
As I was clearing out and deciding what goes and what stays It got me thinking about not only the junk in my house but also the junk in my life?! The little drama's I'm a part of but really don't have to be. The excuses that I need to get over to get back into my word every single day instead of when I can squeeze it in. The extra junk in my trunk that I can no longer blame on the kids! (sorry guys... but it's easier than blaming it on myself)
I got to thinking why only get that good shoulder lifting feeling with my house! So I'm determined to try fresh and new. I am going to be writing in a journal my mom got me for Christmas. But I want to purpose to do it everyday. Write one verse from my scripture that day that seems to tug on my heart. My Rhema! So pray for me about that.
We haven't gotten to go to our church in such a long time due to being out of town or sick babies and I must admit one morning we just plain slept in! But in our defense James was working 12 to 15 hour days and  so neither of us were sleeping well. We did listen to a podcast from our church's site though so we did get a sermon in. :) But I am really looking forward to the fellowship as well as being fed the word!
So I will leave you cyberspace and I will go to bed so that I can be well rested and awake for whatever God has for me tomorrow.

Remembering

A couple days ago after we had gotten home from Mom's, "when the music fades and all is stripped away" I found myself remembering....perhaps it was the beautiful tile that Lori gave me or maybe it was the Willow Tree that Melissa so carefully picked out or it could have been the fact that this was yet another family gathering without her. Without our beautiful Karis.

As I opened my eyes that morning I had this great sense of sadness that poured over me...more overwhelming than I had in a while. These kind of days tend to come and go since she left us and they seem to get further apart. Which I'm not sure I would say is good or bad thing it's just a fact. I felt this tug at my heart like something is missing and something IS missing! She is! I just laid there and cried... even before I got out of bed I shed these tears of remembering that we are not a whole family....

Eli was soon awake and ready to nurse, praise the Lord for His goodness and His blessing of another child so soon after Karis left. As he nursed he would just look at me and smile with his big grey/blue eyes. He made me smile and again remember only this time it was a memory that didn't exist. I saw Karis nursing with her blue eyes looking at me she too smiled and the "memory" was gone. As he finished and was just talking to me there in the bed I could just imagine Karis having done these same things..cooing and smiling with such a pretty and perfect body that it was almost real. But I knew it wasn't, that Eli is my blessing God gave me not to replace our little girl but rather to heal the empty place we had between our two arms.

When Eli was finished I got out of bed and sent a text to close friends asking for prayer. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through the day without it. I then asked God to give me a good day of remembrance. There is a difference in good remembering and bad remembering. I wanted to focus not on that fact that we no longer have her but rather that yes she was here but now she is with her Saviour! I also asked Him to just hold me in his arms because I was hurting and I needed His loving arms around me! I couldn't have a good remembering day if He didn't hold me through it. It was actually kinda amazing because Not only did I ask these things but my friend Sarah had sent what she prayed and it was the exact same thing. :) Not only did Sarah pray for me but she also came and visited me for a little bit!

I decided since it was a day of remembering I would surround myself with the good memories. I looked back at all Karis' photo's and keepsakes. I touched her fingers and toes from the ink hand print and foot print we had from the hospital. I touched her hair we had saved and is now in the mother daughter locket her Great Grandma had gotten us. I looked at all the Willow Tree figurines I had received and I reread the poems, sayings and verses that gave me such comfort just one and a half short years ago. I felt her with us that day. 

God did answer my prayer....Justice and Dawson were His arms and Eli was His kiss to me. Telling me I'm here, I love you and I hear you. Our God IS an Awesome God!

The poem on the Tile....

Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy please don't cry
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.
You see I'm, a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mist your window pane
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from the gentle breeze that blows
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose
When you see my brothers playing abd your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy don't look so sad and Mommy please don't cry
I'min the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Karis Lynn

Christmas at Mom's January 2011

Christmas at Mom's this year was a lot of fun! We left on Friday after Joey and James got off of work then started our 4 hour journey to Fordyce, Ar. We had a late supper at "Guanajuatos"  a little mexican place in town where Chloe works. (not sure if that's how you spell it)

On Saturday we slept in. Then us girls (Mom, Chloe and I) went shopping for a few last minute gifts and things we needed for the Sunday meal. When we got back we started getting ready to get a few pictures taken before it got too dark and too wet. There was a little Gazebo at the park which is just a couple blocks away from Mom's house so we went there to take the pictures. Joey has a really nice camera and a good eye for picture taking so we had asked him to take them for us. It was so so cold out there but we were all troopers and made it back home where we could get warm again. We had a yummy ham that day since we were going to be having our traditional Christmas turkey on Sunday.

Sunday we woke up all exited about Doug and Melissa and their family coming as well as bringing Kayla, Reed's girl with them. Steve and Zane came too which was a really nice treat as well. We don't get to see Steve very often but always enjoy his company. Everyone arrived either right before church let out or shorty after so we went ahead and had a crazy time of opening up the presents. It was not very organized but a whole lot of fun. :) It was definitely not like our normal Christmas but it's probably because it was so late this year before we could get together. Lori, Steve's friend had gotten James and I a tile that had a beautiful poem in memory of Karis. I will write her story in another post and I will include that poem in it. Melissa and I received a 50 minute massage which I've never had so I am looking forward to that! But everyone seemed to enjoy their gifts...I kinda felt sorry for the kids because we wouldn't let them play with their presents so they would pack up better. But they did get to play with their new "head" lights so they were happy about that.

We ended up staying way too late but it's always so hard to say good bye to family. But we did finally get home at 1 am on Monday and poor James had to get up at 5:30 so he didn't get a whole lot of sleep. 

Over all the trip was tons of fun and a whole lot of awesomeness! I love my family and I love getting to sit a visit with them about nothing and everything....